“First in the Nation”
A Comedy Sketch
Setting:
A wood-paneled community hall in New Hampshire, folding chairs set up, a big hand-painted banner reads: WELCOME PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES TO MOOSE HOLLOW TOWN HALL — FIRST IN THE NATION! There’s a podium decorated with flannel bunting. A taxidermy moose head looms overhead.
Characters:
- Moderator (Martha): No-nonsense local librarian, proud of her civic duty.
- Candidate 1 (Senator Butterworth): From a big state, overconfident, constantly panders.
- Candidate 2 (Congresswoman Vega): Tech-savvy, baffled by small-town customs.
- Candidate 3 (Governor Dan “Everyman”): Folksy to the point of absurdity.
- Local Farmer (Earl): Only came for the free donuts.
- Audience: A handful of flannel-clad New Hampshirites who treat this like the Superbowl.
Scene:
Martha (at podium): Welcome to Moose Hollow! Remember, this debate will decide the future leader of the free world… based on how well they answer our questions about snowblowers, maple syrup, and whether they salt or sand their driveways.
Senator Butterworth: (grinning) Thank you, Martha. I just want to say, I love New Hampshire! Your… (checks notes) granite… and, uh… foliage. I even tried your famous clam chowder last night.
Audience Member: (yells) That’s Massachusetts!
Butterworth: (sweating) Right! I mean, yes, love that rivalry! Go… Granite State!
Governor Dan: (slaps podium) Folks, I was born ready for this. I eat snow for breakfast. I once shook hands with every resident of Keene in a single day. They still talk about it down at the Dunkin’.
Audience Member: He’s not lying. He shook my hand three times.
Congresswoman Vega: (confused) I’d like to discuss green energy policy.
Martha: Wrong answer. We’ll get there. First—do you or do you not own a snowblower?
Vega: (hesitates) Uh… I… lease a Tesla?
Audience: (collective gasp)
Earl the Farmer: (mouth full of donut) Disqualified.
Butterworth: (puffing chest) I own three snowblowers. Gas, electric, and solar.
Governor Dan: (grinning) I am a snowblower. (blows loudly into microphone)
Audience: (cheering) That’s leadership!
Martha: Excellent. Now, maple syrup. Grade A amber or bust?
Butterworth: I keep a jug of it by my bedside.
Vega: Is this… a real question?
Audience Member: (furious) IS THIS A REAL COUNTRY?!
Governor Dan: (holds up flask) I don’t drink coffee. I drink straight syrup. (downs it)
Audience: (erupts in applause, chanting “DAN! DAN! DAN!”)
Martha: (rings cowbell) Time’s up. Thank you, candidates. As per tradition, the winner will be chosen by whoever gets Earl’s last donut.
Earl: (hugs donut protectively) This is more power than the UN.
Butterworth: (tries to grab donut) For democracy!
Governor Dan: (wrestles Butterworth) Hands off his cruller, Senator!
Vega: (steps back, horrified) This… this is insane.
Martha: (smiles) Welcome to the First in the Nation, Congresswoman. If you can’t wrestle a farmer for a donut, you can’t wrestle Congress.
Lights fade as candidates brawl under the moose head.
Punchline: New Hampshire’s outsized influence in presidential politics is both revered and ridiculous — and in the end, democracy might just come down to a single donut.
